Winters Worm

In short, winter depresses me.

Period.

I begin to dread it's arrival on July 4th, the date I consider summers mid-way mark- the apex of the all to short season that represents everything green and alive.

Winter is death and dark shadows.
Winter is grey and cold and sinister and claustrophobic.
The days are short and the nights are long.

But this past season, strangely, I didn't want it to leave me.

It seemed winter had found it's worm-it's anima.

I felt it behind me, pulling me inward towards its cold soul and wrapping me with the wings of its frigid cloak much like a behemothic seraph might.

It  became somewhat of a protective guardian isolating me from the world.

I can't explain it. I just felt safe, shrouded.

I didn't want to leave the confines of its cradle.

Maybe I needed a sabbatical from the spinning sphere of humanity, a soul rest.

Maybe I needed my brittle branches snapped, the cold and selfish heart thawed, the dormant faith revived, the obstinate will tamed and the road of righteousness restored.

Act justly, love mercy, walk humbly before your God

Micah 6:8

Maybe Winter needed to have it's way, so that I could heal, and be that gentle spring rain, the new green leaf, that doe of the morning or coo of a dove.

For, lo, the winter is past, the rain is over and gone;
The flowers appear on the earth; the time of the singing of birds is come,
and the cooing of doves is heard in our land...
Song of Solomon 2:11-12

Isn't it just like You

I  bend the knee,

position  hands

to worship

but,

it's bare boned and,

half-hearted,

it's skeletal and,

sparse.

My eyes, they bend away-

shifting, turning,

distracted,

divided.

Isn't it just like you,

then,

to turn things upside-down

and,

inside out,

to make it all about,

 me,

instead.

I cough out words-

you return manna.

Praise weakly proffered-

circles back as worth wrapped

and,

I'm found,

bound

by grace.

      

White Stone

I will also give him a white stone with a new name on it.

Revelation 2:17

It occurred to me this morning, as I used some of the many names of God in praise during my quiet time, to consider what name might be imprinted on that white stone of Revelation for me.

What will my white stone say?

Will it tell my story here on earth?

How will I be known for all eternity?

In what way will that 'name' be a reflection of who I am based on Gods design of me?

"Name"; a word or a combination of words by which a person is designated, called, or known.

Names are influenced by many variables; culture, trends, traditions, personality, and even socioeconomic status.

It is interesting to consider just how much a part of a person's identity a name really is.

Consider some of the names for God found in scripture and how they define Him-
Ancient of Days
High king of Heaven
Son of the Living God.
Light of the world
Chosen and precious corner stone
He who searches hearts and minds
The God who See's
Morning star
Ransom for all men
I am who I am
God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob

Using nature and descriptive personality traits and bent, rather than socially influenced trends that result in benign, one or two syllabled monikers that have relatively nothing to do with the person, the Native Americans employed a similar concept in selecting an eponym.

I looked up a few just for fun--

Dances with wolves
Runs beside horse
Lives in the woods-Cherokee
She always plays
Forest water-Cherokee
Stays at home-Chippewa
He laughs-Algonquin
Restless one-Hopi

Recently, in the midst of an especially difficult time of struggle in my life, The LORD affirmed my worth with a promise from scripture.
I needed the affirmation--

Daughter of Jersusalem, who's punishment as been taken away from you.    Zephaniah 3:14

When my mother, only 66 years old, was dying from Luekemia, The LORD gave me a very specific promise regarding her eternal destiny and ultimate dwelling place--

She who dwells--in the secret place of the Most High.  Psalm 91:1

During a particularly intense season of prayer spent on my knees for my husband, I was given this--

Bring the Boy to Me  Matthew 17:17

While waiting for our Korean born daughter, Abby, God confirmed the fulfillment of His promise to bring my daughter from the ends of the earth...your--

Seed from the East.     Isaiah 43:5-6 kjv

While the above verses in bold are probably not the holy white stone name to be assigned in heaven to that particular individual, it is certainly insightful to ponder ourselves beyond just a title.

There is one thing I am sure about, concerning that white stone name--

It will be a fitting description of who we are in the eyes of the one who made us.

It will be a holy name, known only by me and my maker.

******

And then, there is the Greatest name of all, the name of Jesus.

Wherefore God also has highly exalted him, and given him a name which is above every name:

That at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, of things in heaven, and things in earth, and things under the earth; And that every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ is LORD, to the glory of God The Father.

  Phillipians 2:9-11

The Beginning Place

I don't know where that soul seed arrived from.

But the little blue strips tell me it's in there-

The beginning place.

Father, thank you for the promise and presence of this new life, please be present during the shaping, sculpting, evolving and....

Pause.

Isn't asking God to enter the womb and oversee the process a little like inviting an artist to attend his own canvas?

He is already there!

In the secret place- The Beginning Place

Doing what He does...creating;

He who binds the beautiful pleiades and loosed the cords of Orion.
He who cuts a path for the thunder storm and knows the place where lightening is dispersed.
Who made the behemoth and knows the abode of light.
Who knows the currents of the deep and calls each star by name.
He who has walked the recesses of the deep but now sits seated at the high hand of God.

Him.

You, Oh LORD.

At work, deep within in her.

The very finger of god- the very presence of holy.

Dust cleaves...God breathes.

Consecrated crafting.

 Knitting together, perfectly piecing,

Sinew meets soul, bone joins body.

A tiny toe, a lip, an ear. 

Muscle twitches. Heart beats. Lungs draw amniotic air.

Miracle.

Who can comprehend? Who can comprehend?

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me.

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mothers womb.

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully (being) made.

My frame is not hidden from you in this secret place...your eyes see my unformed body.

Psalm 139:13-15

Blessed be your glorious name, and may it be exalted above all blessing and praise. You alone are God. You made the heavens, even the highest heavens, and all their starry host, the earth and all that is on it, the seas and all that is in them.

You give life to everything, and the multitudes of heaven worship you.

Nehemiah 9:5b-6

Psalm  8:8  91:1  Job 38   40:15  Jeremiah 32:19

Upside down hands

I grip the slender twin twines attached to the small wooden 2x4 suspended from the garage rafters above and sway my young frame rhythmically until the gentle motion carries me away and into the land of my imagination.

The words come then.

And the songs happen while hands hold fast to the braided anchor that rocks me.

I sing about a high blue sky and birds on electrical wires, dandelions in the grass, ladybugs, and the forbidden kitten hidden in my closet.

I sing with the angst of a 9 yr. old over a report card.

I sing about the aging neighbors next door, the brothers that bully, and the roast for dinner.

My father constructed that course pendulum that lifted me to heights beyond the moment. To him it was just a recreational rig. To me, well, it was my retreat into the clouds.

Dad will be 83 this August. 

Dad has Alzheimer's now, so they say.

And just as my tiny hands held on to the ropes and pulled my body back and forth to the rhythm of youth, so now those same hands, aged themselves, will grip tightly to the mind and body of a man rocked by the rhythm of years.
He holds on for dear life, but the cords are frayed and the mind is leaving and the body is slowing and the spirit is sagging and confusion is stealing and the hurt cuts deep.

My hands and my heart hang all upside down.

Dad has Alzheimer's now.

The flickering light of a gentle soul may soon cast it's shadows through empty eyes where:

"the keepers of the house tremble, and strong men stoop, and those looking through windows grow dim; when the doors to the streets close...and all their songs grow faint; and the grasshopper drags himself along..."  1

But it won't stay that way for long, all upside down, because-

You have come to set the captives free, that we might have life and have it more abundantly.

Isaiah 61:1  John 10:10

I have had a tremor of bliss, a wink of heaven, a whisper, 

and I would no longer be denied; 

all things proceed to a joyful consummation. 2

For I the LORD your God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, Fear not, I will help you.

Isaiah 41:13

1.) Ecclesiastes 12: 3-5
2.) T.S Elliot, Murder in the cathedral  (New York: Harcourt, 1963), 70

Tabernacle

If you know me at all, you know there is no other place I would rather be than deep in a wooded enclave, alone, in prayer. Nothing can settle me more than the life and peace I find in that natural sanctuary.
This is where I rest, heal, renew.

My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.     
2 Corinthians 12:9

REST  1

The Greek translates 'rest' in this passage as 'Tabernacle'.

Tabernacle;
To spread a tent.
To tabernacle over, to cover.
To superimpose a time, place, order.

To occupy as God did in the old testament tabernacle for the purpose of protection and communion.

I can scarcely wrap my head around this glory- God covering me with the canopy of trees and, more profoundly, himself.
Hiding me in His secret place for the purpose of communing with me, protecting and advising me.
Superimposing his divine and eternal plan, place, time, and order for my current weakness, trial, and trouble.

Such knowledge is too wonderful to me, 

too lofty for me to attain.

Psalm 139:6

1.)  Strong's expanded exhaustive concordance of the bible, Red letter edition. James Strong, LL.D., S.T.D. Thomas Nelson Publishers, 2001. Number 1981.

2.) Psalm 91:1

Stay here and pray with me.

She annoys me. I can almost clock when the call will come...Friday afternoon, just shy of closing.
It's been an arduous day.  I just want to be finished and go home but, she knows this, and so the timing is deliberate-- call at the 11th hour and it will be easier to sway the narcotic from my hand; the panacea she desperately needs for the emotional pain buried under the guise of physical illness.
But compassion wins out, and I stay, and carry a sister with the comfort and encouragement she secretly seeks.

Don't hang up, but in the spirit;

Stay here and pray with me.

I pass him everyday on my way to work.
I guess his age to be about 16 though it's clear there is an impish innocence within.
Standing on the corner, backpack slung over his shoulder, father protectively near, he waits for the bus that will transport him to a place of cafeteria cliques, hallway hecklers, bathroom bullies, locker room pranksters,  impatient instructors and the ever existent, impenetrable circle of peers.
A place he won't fit in.
Will the academic microcosm be kind to this gentle, special needs boy-man today?
Please God, let someone be brave enough to claim him as friend!

Don't drive away, but in the spirit;

Stay here and pray with me.

My second story window gives me a birds eye view right smack into the family room of our neighbor across the street. Her husband died just recently; she's only 50 something.
I occasionally catch a glimpse of her walking the same linear path through a dimly lit house in the late evening.
Alone.
No one to even bring her a cup of cold water.
I ache for her.

Don't pull the blinds, but in the spirit;

Stay here and pray with me.

How is it I somehow envision God spiritually and tangibly absent until he is summoned?
As if it were me that happened upon the scene first.
As if it were my idea to pray.

Is it really about us petitioning God's presence, or God calling us to enter into His?

******

Where two or more are gathered in my name, there am I in the midst of them.

Matthew 18:20

He took care of them on EVERY side.  

2 Chronicles 32:22

Stay here and pray with me. 

Matthew 26:38